If you are ancient, like me, and have been in the online dating world off and on for over 15 years (barf), you remember the good ol’ days of online dating before millions of apps took over our phones. Back in the day, if you were on a dating website, you had to log in to their portal (using an actual computer) and email the person via your profile. This took effort. There was no pulling out your phone while watching Vanderpump Rules to swipe left 20 guys in five seconds; you actually had to think! It was bliss.
Since dudes back then had to put in more effort than they do now, the emails I would receive would have an introduction followed by actual sentences and even a SALUTATION! Now, not all of these emails were a godsend; some were, hey u, what u doing tonite? But those were easy to weed out.
This was also when no one said they were online dating, so the marketplace was less saturated. Now everyone who is single (or not) is on multiple dating sites, and it’s so goddamn exhausting. SO MANY FUCKING OPTIONS!
It’s overwhelming to view 300 profiles in a night to realize that I am not even paying attention. I am just swiping left because I have concluded that no one should be dating, and the end of our species has to be upon us, cause my God, this is torture. How are there even that many single people around my age in my vicinity? Are we just all fucking horrible at this?
And then there are the profiles themselves. You have the dudes who seem too good-looking and successful that I could never have the confidence to message. If we both find each other attractive, fantastic! But I can’t have you out of my league. I don’t need to hear 20 times a night from strangers at a restaurant, “WOW, you actually got him?” So model-esque that women flirt with you right in front of me while I sip on an IPA, wondering if Lala Kent did or did not actually know what Randall was doing behind her back.
Then you have the dudes who are not looking for anything “serious” (aka bang-town) but have a picture of their kid on their profile? Do you think your offspring’s face does anything for my vagina? If we are just going to bump and grind, I don’t want to know a damn thing about your child or that you even have one. I barely want to know your last name.
And, of course, you have what I like to call the “Gerenic-os,” the dudes who, I swear, copy and paste from almost every other guy on the site. If I read one more “Love to go out, but happy to stay in” or some version of that shit, I will jump off a bridge. Um, isn’t that called fucking life? That’s like me saying, I love to go to Trader Joe’s, but I am okay with Target! YAWN! I would rather see, likes getting fucked up every night, and by 2 AM, I am stumbling into an Uber where I talk straight gibberish to the driver because I have lost the mental capacity to function as a human and will pass out fully clothed in my bed hoping not to barf on my yellow-tinted caseless pillow. Do I want a relationship with that dude? NO. But at least it would be a much more interesting date.
And when did everyone start traveling? “Love to travel” No shit. If we had unlimited money, we would all travel while the economy crumbles because no one is working anymore. I have never heard anyone say, “Oh man, I just took a beautiful vacation to Costa Rica. We had to sit on the gorgeous beach, eat amazing food, and even zip-lined through a rainforest. It was awful. I will never leave my house again.” EVERYONE LIKES TRAVELING. You have one opportunity to make your profile appear less mundane than everyone else’s; TRY!
But then you have the guy who does travel all the time. Alone. You have seen this guy. His material possessions are very few. His skin has a constant bronzed glow from the sun. His hair is long, in a low bun, and he has been everywhere. Always with his dog. Now, this guy is a legit traveler. However, I always think, man, I would annoy the shit out of him. The first time we would go on a trip together, he would gawk at the 78 suitcases I needed to bring. And when I thought he wasn’t being ironic about “tent camping” (I am taking a crap where?), we would break out into our first (and last) fight. I would end up waving goodbye to him from a hotel room while he drove off in his blue Volkswagen van.
This is online dating. Profile after profile after profile. But how can single people not be on it if we are all on it? Then, you meet the people who have made this work. I met a couple at the bar the other day who met on a dating profile six months ago and are planning an actual future together. My jaw dropped on the bar top as they explained that they saw each other’s profile and knew they had to meet. Maybe that’s just what online dating is; you go through all the junk to see that one profile and think, “Wow, I need to meet this person.” Maybe I don’t have the patience for it. Or maybe I am too distracted thinking, “What will happen to Schwartz and Sandy?!”
Walking Dumpster Fire 
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