Walking Dumpster Fire

After years of being married and then, when that ended, launching myself into another flow-blown relationship, I am back on the dating scene. And holy crap, things have changed. Dating was fun once, right? 

Back in my twenties, dating was just that: dating. You met someone for a drink or coffee, rarely a meal, and maybe you hit it off, but most of the time, you didn’t, and that was ok. No one talked about “dating goals” or “relationships” because it’s a first date or meet-up, and we are all here to have fun!

But now…

I go on a first date and am asked in the first 30 minutes what my dating goals are. Um, bro, I want to drink this IPA and decide if I will make out with you later–and I already know imma need more of these. I have no goals in dating. My goal looks like someone who finally gets to see color after being trapped in a pitch-black basement for ten years. I want to see ALL the colors!

Where did these guys come from? What relationship books have they read? And guys, read now?! They mention phrases like “Love Language,” “Red flags,” and “wanting to be honest.” When did this happen? Where was all this in my twenties when I developed my emotional relationship framework?

And there is another problem with dating in our 30s and 40s. Baggage. So much baggage. We all have it now; none of us have escaped it. We all have that ex who screwed us over, and now we can’t listen to “Fix You” without bursting into a sobbing ball of confusion. We have the ex who cheated, the ex who was a narcissist, the ex who was an alcoholic, the ex who was jealous, the ex who was manipulative, the ex who was unemployed. The list goes on and on. 

We all have a past. We all have chosen partners that weren’t right for us. The problem is now, the exes of the men I am on a date with love to make invisible cameo appearances. Why are they being mentioned? I didn’t invite them to our dinner. I don’t want them here. I want to discover all your irrational issues by unsuccessfully dating you. Old school style. I don’t want you to go on and on about how jealous your crazy ex-wife was because now I think, oh, good, you’re a man-whore who needs constant attention. Check, please! 

Dating isn’t what it was in my twenties because the men I am dating aren’t in their twenties. The men I am dating now want substance, security, and stability; a relationship. And they want it now. One guy asked if we were exclusive after only one meeting (it was a quick “no”). While on another date, the guy asked what my “dating goals” are (there is that question, again!). I said I just wanted to date (after I explained that I tend to choose controlling men and need to fix that). He ended the evening saying he could change my mind about “just dating,” and we should try this (us). I laughed. He did not. 

Where did all these relationship-hungry men come from? 

And I know part of the problem is me and where I am right now. These men would be speaking music to my ears if I was just as relationship hungry as I was in my twenties. But I am no longer in that space. I want another relationship one day; I do. But the thought of a relationship now makes me feel like I am returning to the scary pitch-black basement. 

I miss the dance. I miss the getting-to-know-you part. I miss when I find out if the guy is dating other people and knocking those said people off, one by one. I miss being wooed. 

Also, how does one date twenty-year-olds?