Walking Dumpster Fire

In the second to last episode of the final season of Sex and the City, Big sits down with Carrie’s three best girlfriends. As the women stare him down, he explains that he knows he hasn’t always treated Carrie well. They listen (with raised eyebrows). And then he says, “You three know her better than anyone, you’re the loves of her life. And a guy’s just lucky to come in fourth.” This is one of my favorite scenes in the series (and there are many, but that’s for a different day) because it exemplifies what girlfriends, good girlfriends, mean to one another.

If you have experienced this kind of friendship, hold it close and never let go.

I am part of a group of three. We call ourselves “The Trio”– a name that has stuck with us for 20 years. We are almost obnoxious in the number of inside jokes we share—regardless of who the audience is–we have cried with each other, held one another’s hand through absolute shit times, have yelled with and for one another at the men who have broken our hearts, we have our one-of-a-kind signature dance moves, and names for one another that include Buttface and Buttmunch. And they are the only ones who can successfully call me out when I am a “bit too much.” They are the loves of my life.

When I re-watch the Sex and the City series, I, now much older than when it first came out, cringe at Carrie’s incredibly insecure behavior with Big. Not because I don’t understand it, but because I know it almost too well. I have been in her shoes (though more Sorel and Saucony and less Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choo). I know the feeling of wanting someone to accept you as you are and then not. Treating you like you are less than. It’s blindsiding.

It’s in those moments where I have felt so alone. In those moments, I have felt shame, not for being treated as less than, but for letting someone treat me as less than. It’s in those moments where my incredibly stoic self becomes almost frantic. And this is when you need those core girls–one or two or three–to show up and pull you out of the dark and into the light. And my girls have never stopped showing up.

After 20 years of friendship, our Trio knows pretty damn well how to build each other back up. The three of us are incredibly different, and what one of us says to one of us may not be suited for the other. We know each other’s triggers, and we understand how each other brains will filter to what we want to hear.

These women may be my cheerleaders, but they are not my followers. One flaw in my romantic relationship skills is the art of compromising. It’s hard for me. Sometimes, I can recognize this in a fight and stop it before it creates a new conflict with a whole influx of fights installed. And sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, I retell the story to my girlfriends with the confidence of being right. When this occurs, there is usually a moment of silence from them followed by an ear full of how I was the stubborn one or, worse, the one who is in the wrong. They never fully side with my partner (cause we just won’t. EVER), but they have no problem telling me: Bro, you’re kinda the problem here. If I didn’t have them by my side when my worst side comes out, I would be much less of a person.

And that is the whole point of having incredible girlfriends.

It’s taken a long time and quite a spectrum of relationships to understand that you start to become who you hang out with, regardless of whether you want to. They are a part of me; voices in my head sometimes–whether I am about to do something dumb or if I start to doubt myself–they either cheer me on or pull me back to who I want to be.

I don’t know how I got so lucky with my Trio. I don’t have one defining moment or antidote of “this is how we did it.” It’s years and years of being there for one another, telling each other our truths (even when we really don’t want to), owning our mistakes (sometimes through gritted teeth), and knowing that whatever life throws at us, we always have each other.

So, for all my future relationship partners, I will tell you this: If you want me, you will have to go through them first. Good luck!