Walking Dumpster Fire

I don’t understand when people struggling in relationships say, “We are taking a break.” What? Isn’t that a way of saying, let’s see who can have sex with someone else first?

I haven’t ever heard of anyone taking a break in real life, and it works out. It always ends in divorce or a break-up. Why do we do it?

I have a friend who, as their marriage was drizzling down to nothing, told me they were going to separate for six months to see if it would help their marriage. All while they were still living together. Holy shit. If this isn’t my actual hell on earth, I don’t know what is. Going in and out of awkward conversations while pretending to still be in it? Just roommates with terrible baggage and no coping skills? Smiling for pictures when thinking, God, it would be easier if they were just dead! If my partner suggested that, I would immediately go, ok, take the house, the dog, my money, my Mom, whatever. Never, ever, doing that. Spoiler alert: they are now getting divorced. 

But conscientious breaks (don’t even think about stealing that from me, Gwyneth Paltrow!) should be a part of the long-term relationship. My dream relationship would be with someone who has to travel for work for 3 days every 2 months. This is the perfect amount of time away from each other. On day 1, I would drink copious amounts of wine while watching my favorite trash TV (Vanderpump, obvs). On day 2, instead of spending a stupid amount of time in front of the TV at night binging a show, I would list all the things I would accomplish that day…only to get tired and spend a stupid amount of time watching a show. By day three, I would actually miss my partner, and when they walked through the door, I would gleefully ask them questions and hug them like they came home from battle. Mmmmmm, battle sex. 

And two to three  months seems like the perfect interlude. The right amount of time after just getting slightly annoyed by their constant asking of the time (even though they refuse to wear a goddamn watch like they’re some superhero), but before you want to rip out their jugular, throw it in the blender and press puree because they chew too loud. 

But if said perfect-longterm-boyfriend-who-travels-for-work doesn’t really travel for work, then what? How does one make the hints of, can you just leave me the fuck alone for like five minutes? Without sounding like a complete bitch? 

This is why all couples should implore the Irish goodbye and leave for 3 days, no questions asked, every two to three months. Set the dates on the calendar, trade-off who would go and who would stay, and then just leave. No muss, no fuss, no thinking, fuuuuuuuck, what did I do wrong? You did nothing wrong; we are just people who live to be an asinine amount of time and expect to be bound to someone else, and since I actually like you and want to be with you, this is what has to be done. 

Ladies, can you imagine sitting in a large king-sized bed with no agenda? No one asks you for the 1,068th time where their phone is, even though if it was ringing in their goddamn face, they would still ask you, “Have you seen my phone?” because, you know, dudes. Or having your children argue about who called who a buttface, and when said partner doesn’t say, hey can we just not right now, you have to say it and always become the bad cop. “Isn’t Mom the worst! Hahahahahaha.” And then, imagine gracefully returning from your 3 days of refreshing freedom, you are greeted with…is that…OMG…gratefulness and appreciation? Why, yes, it is!

And dudes, 72 hours of uninterrupted jerk-off time? Or no one nagging you about how much you spent gambling on GiveUpAllYourMoneyOnThisGame.com. Pretty sure that’s bliss for you (I have no idea what dudes do when alone, but I feel like most of the alone time would be dick and gambling related).

Listen, I would love to be the type of person who, when annoyed with my partner, doesn’t fantasize about jamming bamboo shoots up their fingernails, but I am not. I also don’t want to bitch about them nonstop to anyone who will listen because  1) BORING and 2) Reserved for my besties only (you’re welcome, bitches!).

And I know I should be  like, “Let’s ride this miserable storm together,” or “This is just a tough phase,” or “Your flaws are your best parts”. Bahahahahahahaha! I spit out my water as I typed that last part. Flaws are the goddamn worst. 

However, I think the traits I have that make me want to flee the minute I hear, “Should we talk about this?” are pretty common. This is why leaving for a few days, instead of actually discussing the issues, is genius! (I can hear my therapist rolling her eyes from here). Why talk about the fact you don’t listen very well, chew loudly, or tell the same story over and over again. Is it going to change? Nope. Do I have the patience for it? Yes, but only two to three months at a time. Pack your crap up and see you in three days when I will love you again.