Walking Dumpster Fire

When my marriage hit the crapper, I wasn’t shocked. I created it. I did it, and I watched it come to an end. But I was taken aback by just how quickly it unraveled. One loose thread, overlooked, and it was over. 

Signing my divorce decree was sad and humbling but not devastating. We had created a beautiful life together. Made two amazing babes. Loved wholly. Cried softly. 

It left me with the question I still find in my head: how the hell do people do this? How does marriage work? Is everyone who seems happily married faking it? How do you bind yourself to one person and not think, I kind of wish you weren’t here? Not dead, just not near me. 

After my divorce I didn’t become jaded. Yes, I wished, and will always wish, that I would one day wake up and discover I am actually a lesbian (the dream!), but what I really did become was curious about marriage. So, I looked around to see who made it work, who didn’t, and who I wanted to emulate if I ever decided to make vows with another human being again. 

My focus went to two of my friends whose marriage almost made me furiously jealous if I didn’t love them together so much. I will call them Jim and Erica.

Jim and Erica are my touchstone couple. The couple I hope to evolve into one day (after lots and lots of therapy, of course). They are the type of couple who, if their marriage ever fails, I will wholeheartedly give up on the idea altogether. The type where I will become a nun, even though I am not Catholic or even religious. The type if I ever even get an inkling that their marriage is in trouble, I will sit them both in a room and beg for them to work it out no matter what because your friend will lose all trust in humanity if they fall apart. Yes, it’s all about me.  

So, what makes this couple so great? What about their marriage do I find so inspirational? Why do I want to take them on a retreat one day and yell, teach me! Here is what makes them tick. 

They aren’t assholes.

To find a mate who is a good person, you need to be a decent human being yourself. Jim and Erica are genuinely lovely people. They both grew up in Iowa and have the Midwest attitudes to match. 

Erica is one of the most down-to-earth women I have ever been in the same vicinity with. She is humble. She hates pettiness. We ran Ragnar together a few years ago. If you are unfamiliar with Ragnar, it’s a two-day, approximately 200-mile running race that can be completed by up to twelve people split into two groups. It’s a lot of fun, but it’s also exhausting. When we finished the race, we were hot, grumpy, hungry, and tired. One of the other women we were with said something unflattering about another woman in the other group. Erica stopped her and calmly said, if this is how it’s going to be, how we talk about each other, I will not do this race again. Not self-righteously, not angrily. Matter of fact. I have loved her ever since.

Jim is cut from a similar cloth. He has a self-deprecating humor that’s absolutely hilarious without being awkward. He can converse with almost anyone about almost anything. He is relatable. 

They are realistic about marriage.

Whenever I hear someone say, “I would never” about someone else’s action, I want to say, please stop talking. I am old enough to know that I will never actually do two things: climb Mount Everest and free solo El Capitan. Everything else is up for grabs. Shit happens. 

Jim and Erica were both married to other people at one point. They both endured heartache and divorce. They came into their own marriage with an understanding–shit can hit the fan. They understand that infidelity can happen, two people can drift apart, and resentment can creep in. They have felt it before. The good, the bad, and the end. 

When they decided to get married, Erica actually sought out a counselor to prepare them for marriage. Both she and Jim were committed to making this marriage work; divorce wasn’t an option either of them considered. But they knew without this commitment to one another, divorce could happen. Sometimes, we must go through something to truly understand it. They learned from their past and made vows to never let it happen again. 

They do the work.

I once asked Erica if she thinks she and Jim are the most proactive couple they know. Without hesitation, she said yes. They read books together about relationships. They check in with each other on how they feel every week (I would call that torture, but she assured me it’s how it should work, something about communication). I wondered out loud if it seemed like work. And her reply is something that has been etched in my little black heart: Yes, it is work. But I would rather do the work now than have my kids leave the house, and Jim and I no longer know who the other person is. 

I grew up on a lot of Disney bullshit. We were fed very early that you find Prince Charming; after fate intervenes, he lifts you up off your tiny feet, and you get married and stay happy forever! Because you have found your soulmate! No work, only love!

Then you grow up, meet someone, and he’s terrific, so you get married. And then you coast because why not? It’s easy breezy. Until one day, you find all of your clothes on your front lawn because, it turns out, you didn’t do the work. 

No one told me to do the work. Actually, many people did, but I don’t think I believed them. 

Erica and Jim do the work, and their marriage shows it. 

They set goals.

This is one of the cutest things they do (prepare to barf cynical friends). Every year, for their anniversary, they take the day off and spend it together. Usually, they go for a hike. And on that hike, they discuss the past year. They set goals for the next year and also reestablished goals for the next five years. For themselves, for their marriage, and for their family. 

I fucking love this. 

Why isn’t everyone doing this? Is everyone doing this? Is this a big secret everyone has been keeping from me? Not once has a man ever said to me, “What are your goals for next year?” If I ever got asked that by a man outside of a job interview, I would marry him on the spot. You want to know my goals? For the next year? Or five years? Here is all my money, please bind me to you!

They are active.

Activity can’t make or break a marriage, but it sure doesn’t hurt. 

Have you ever taken a beautiful scenic hike and looked out at a vista, thinking, ‘I wish I could share this with someone’? (Insert sad violin music). I have, and it blows. Yes, I love solo walks and hikes; they clear my mind of the endless clutter that rages inside my head. But sometimes, you catch sight of something that makes you wish you had a partner to share that moment with. 

Jim and Erica walk, hike, and work out together. I have seen them lifting weights in the early morning hours at the gym, talking to one another as if they actually liked each other. That might be my morning jealousy talking. 

As a very active person myself, I couldn’t imagine either of them sitting on the couch day in and day out and liking each other. Plus endorphins. Wink, wink. 

How they talk to each other.

I was in Jim and Erica’s kitchen one day talking to Erica. Jim walks in and tells her she should really think about going on the trip. They will be fine, but it’s totally up to her. He will stand by whatever decision she makes. And he then walks out. 

I look at Erica and go, what the hell was that? She explained that she’s thinking of visiting a family member in Iowa as a solo trip but doesn’t know if it’s the right time, considering all the activities the kids have going on and Jim’s work schedule. 

I replied, no, not that. How he talked to you. Do you guys always talk to each other like that? So…respectful? I swear I saw a flash of pity in her eyes when she said, of course. Like she really wanted to ask, dear child, what have you been through? 

I honestly was taken aback by Jim’s tone. It was so honest. There wasn’t a hint of, “Well, you can go if you want, but…(add in a bunch of guilt he will give her later on). Or a whiff of, “It’s going to be so hard with me all alone with the kids, I am a Dad, not a babysitter; what on earth will I do?! But go if you want”

I’m not accustomed to having a relationship without scores, and it shows. 

Erica and Jim talk to each other like they like each other. It’s so kind. It’s a very “I have your back no matter what” kind of talk. I don’t know how to explain it; it’s something you just have to see. It’s refreshing. 

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So Jim and Erica, please never leave each other. And if you do, please at least fake your marriage in front of me. 

Love, your-in-much-need-of-relationship-guidance-friend, Carrie.